brother

so sunday was my brother's 22 birthday.. it was really hard considering i couldn't spend it with him and i missed his last birthday because i went to a concert or something.. idk i try to block everything out that has to deal with him because its just so freaking hard.. i mean i looked up to him with everything i had.. i spent 15 years at his side following or just hanging out with him.. any time i could get to spend with him i would. my rooms next to his so when i would hear his door i'd go out and try to talk to him or spend time with him and now i can't do that.. i wish he was still here.. and i know it was an accident but my sister doesn't think it was.. i don't know. i feel like i've been in a shell for 15 years and now i'm just coming out realizing so much the past 9 months.. i've learned and been through so much shit its ridiculous. and my familys so screwed up it was nice with him here because he understood like no one else can.. i mean i have 3 sisters but one is prego so shes not around nor do i ever talk to her anyways its always kinda awkward.. the other one is some other country and is staying another year not that i care shes evill.. we don't get a long what so ever. maybe because me and my brother used to torture her when we were little lol. then theres jaxx.. we're close.. she understands our family but its still not the same.. i grew up with my brother and all his friends. i mean i had my own and i was with my sister but being with him always meant more or idk. i have no clue why i'm doing this i don't talk to anyone about my brother its too hard and this isn't even the half of it.. i don't think of that night ever.. it like makes me go insane.. but for his birthday family came over and we had a bonfire.. people were kinda on my nerves.. i had to work earlier and i just didn't want to like celebrate it especially cause we didn't really have anything special when he was here.. my birthday's always missed.. i never get anything my mom doesn't have the money because of the bills are all do right around my bday and my dads a jack ass. this blog makes me sound emo but i'm not.. just getting my frustration out.. yeah and now i'm going to cedar point with missy, julie & christa i mean its going to be a blast i love them so much and we always have fun together so this will def. be an awesome memory but it sucks because my and my brother always planned to go there together and now i kinda feel bad going with out him idk i'm crazy i just don't know anymore